Reflecting on 10 Years of Marriage

I am usually hesitant about out writing posts about love and marriage and revealing this part of my life but our little martial milestone has been occupying my mind as of late.  While I won’t be sharing thoughts that belong inside of anniversary cards nor will I get into some matters of intimacy here, I thought I’d share a few lessons learned along the long, sometimes difficult, but many times, beautiful road of marriage.

I know some read that sentence and say, “Difficult? How dare he say that?” That reaction usually means you are in for a tough time in the marriage department. I’ll be praying for your spouse ;-)

The truth is that ten years has gone real fast and real slow and sometimes it’s felt like 10 years. In a few years, I will have known Susan majority of my living years. I’ve always been intrigued by crossing that threshold. In the beginning of marriage, some have the inclination of feeling that you are still your parent’s kid even though you are married to someone else. After you have known someone for 18-20 years, you become someone’s spouse who may still have parents living. I find these dynamics striking in light of celebrating life-long vows.

They key is to not lose hope together.
I suppose one of the most important aspects of marriage is to continue hoping and striving for a beautiful future. In ten years, you have some tough days, especially for Susan since she has to put him with me. For me, it hasn’t been that bad because I am a heartless, insensitive soul so she has had to carry both our burdens ;-) So I tell her, “Honey, we can’t lose hope.”

Truth is, we regularly revisit the changes we need to work on. We pray about them ask God to strengthen for us, and try to take on the sacrificial nature of love.  Along the years, some of these changes have been easier, some have proven to be more difficult than anticipated, and some are beyond our control.

Don’t always make a big deal out of important matters.
Important matters are important. And while pretending something didn’t happen or enabling unhealthy patterns is obviously not helpful, neither is dwelling on certain matters. A lot of prayer, space, discernment is needed here. Sometimes the problem is not as insurmountable as we think it to be and sometimes the reaction to the problem is bigger than the problem.

Don’t always downplay non-important things.
This one is probably more directed to husbands (but probably depends on personality types as well). If it’s important to your wife, it’s important to you. While you may not be able to respond in the same way, because you are a heartless, insensitive stump (or at least I’m told ;-), try real hard. It has helped me to try to reenact the feeling of watching Chien Ming Wang pitch this season, “You’ve got to be kidding me! She said that to you!?! Oh that’s worse than a 22.48 ERA!” (Phillies fans will have an easier time understanding this but please don’t go too far and throw snowballs and batteries.)

It helps if you marry someone great.

And love conquers all.
The moment we fail to realize this, the solutions to our problems become something that books, professional counseling, and beautiful memories cannot fix.


  1. debispragetti says:

    “It helps if you marry someone great.” best advice ever.

    Besides love, why did you get married? (a question my prof told me to ask married people.)

    Thanks for this.

  2. Thanks for commenting Debi.

    Good question – apart from love I’m not sure why someone would get married.

    In fact, I am not able to separate love from the motive of marriage.

    You love someone, you know you are loved, and you want to spend the rest of your days trying to become “one flesh”. We tend to romanticize things with the whole soulmate discussion but committing to someone for the rest of your life is just about as incredible as you can make it.

    I am tempted to bring up the friendship you enjoy with someone, tempted to bring up the joy of raising a family together but none of that is possible without the relationship anchored and driven by love.

    It’s like asking, aside from oxygen being inhaled by your lungs, how do you breathe?

  3. Great stuff, and congratulations on ten years.

    Speaking of the relationship being driven by love… It also helps when you get married with the understanding that this person isn’t going to fix you or answer your deepest questions. Seems like a lot of people get married hoping for that, then end up disappointed that their spouse isn’t giving them the deeper sense of completion that they hoped for. “Oops, this wasn’t love, it a drug hit to help fix my crap. Didn’t work… Next!”

    1 Cor 13 love sounds so trite on the surface, but in reality that’s some down and dirty hard work to maintain that. It’s good work though, and the payoff is a great marriage.

  4. Very true.
    It sounded so good in Jerry Maguire to say “you complete me”.
    While every marriage should strive to pull the best from each other, it does so while bringing out the worst. People who no longer believe in the institution of marriage point to this as evidence for their conviction that marriage doesn’t work.

    I respect their opinion but for me but I cannot think of anything as beautiful as a lifelong love that overcomes the difficult times, celebrates the good ones and seeks the great paradox of becoming one together.

Speak Your Mind